HA-HZ JOKES

Reasons you won't win the local annual Halloween costume contest...

After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.

Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.

The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.

"Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"

Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the Quayle house.

Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.

Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.

Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.

You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.

In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?

Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.

Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.

The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.

Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party - four times.

Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check. Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

*Nobody* likes a farting clown.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.